Any help or advice or whatever would be greatly appreciated. I feel like garbage right now, physically and mentally, so it would really help.
Looking at the books in my room and thinking about writing really makes me miss my favorite outlet of expression. I used to write just about every day in high school and even still, frequently at the start of college. But that’s changed over time. I haven’t had problems or irritations to write about. The audience is mostly gone as well. Sometimes I used to think I wrote mainly for the audience after my writing no longer was a personal vendetta or agenda for me. I don’t know if that’s true but I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing because even when my writing was personal, it still struck a note with people I knew, even strangers or acquaintances. After a while, that did become one of the main reasons I wrote whatever I would write, because I knew people liked it and needed inspiration or words of wisdom, if you wish to call it that. I miss having that responsibility to inspire people and provide them a source of strength and the courage to say things that people wouldn’t say, at least not in a public forum like I did. Easily the boldest period of my brief life so far. A girl was the source for that, one that I now realize shouldn’t have cared as much about, but at the time the strings were attached and I was hung up and pissed off. Going back to read all those journal type entries on Facebook actually puts a smile on my face. Back in high school, everyone was worried about making a fool out themselves and saying the wrong thing to piss people off but I’m proud that I actually said the things I did and ruffled some feathers of the in-crowd. I once wrote that if everyone is happy with your decisions and what you’re saying, then you’re probably doing something wrong or saying the wrong things. It felt good to piss people off because I knew what I was saying and I was saying those things for all the right reasons. Sure, I was a bit worried what people would say when they got mad but usually they never bad-mouthed me publicly or if they did, they never had the spine to respect or answer to my personal reasons for writing. I personally loved the positive messages and responses I got from people; telling me they respected that I was being so honest and open with what I had to say and they couldn’t do something like that themselves. Hearing that from friends, acquaintances, especially strangers, really makes you feel like what you were doing meant something good and special. I’ll never forget that period of my life and I’ll always look back on those notes and enjoy them. I hope I can use some of those memories and passages in the future and really make a mark with people or even just someone. One of the things I’m a little disappointed with personally is that I’ve never fully evolved as a writer. I’ve never been great at describing things in a beautiful tone or an aesthetically pleasing way for people to read, at least I’ve never thought so. Writing less and less over the past 18 months probably has something to do with that lack of evolution. Hopefully I can regain that passion to write like I am now and gain my second wind making an impact from my writing with people. For now, I’ll look for inspiration and maybe I’ll get it from reading my own works again; they did a good job for everyone else, maybe I just have to follow my own advice which is never an easy task.